Letting go and pressing on

Are you one of those people who can’t seem to get on with your life because there is something you are holding on to?

There are all kinds of things that we hold on to. We can hold on to mistakes we have made and feel guilt and regret about. We may be holding on to some wrong we have experienced that has left us feeling angry and resentful. Late at night we gather the bits and pieces of our life together and sort through them. We find there things that may have hurt others and as a result we are estranged from some other person that was once important to us. I don’t know of a single person who if they had their life to live over again would not do some things differently. That is certainly true for me. There are thing I would have done differently as a parent, as a spouse, as a friend, or as a son. But as the poet Omar Khayyam said, “The moving finger writes; and, having writ, moves on: nor all your piety nor wit shall lure it back to cancel half a line, nor all your tears wash out a word of it.” What’s done is done, and there is a point when one must accept it as such.

One of the more damaging things I used to see as a counselor was the number of people who had left home with some unfinished business related to a parent. Apparently unable to finish it, they carry it with them and it is often a heavy burden. Their recollections of parents are dark with memories of being unappreciated or treated judgmentally and made to feel as if they did not quite measure up to some parental expectation. They left home with out the parental blessing they longed for or with the burden of parental disapproval.

Years ago I worked with a couple who were trying to savage their marriage after an affair by the husband. The husband was deeply sorry and ashamed of his behavior, but all his wife seemed able to talk about was her anger toward him. Her frequent criticism of him was that he was just like her father. He wasn’t any good and neither was her father. Finally I said to her, “I don’t believe all of your anger is about your husband. I think much of it is about your father. I believe you need to talk to your father and find some ways to come to terms with your anger toward him.”

“Talk to my father? I can’t talk to my father!”

“Wrong word,” I said. “You won’t talk to your father.”

When she came in the following week, she announced that she had contacted her sisters and they were going to Atlanta to talk to their father.

Everything was not resolved by the visit, but at least she had been able to tell her father about her hurt and anger related to him. She had expressed her anger where it should have been expressed. After that she and her husband were able to work out how they planned to rebuild their marriage.

When they concluded their counseling, I felt positive and hopeful about them and about their marriage. I was not wrong. Every Christmas since then I have received a Christmas card from them. In the last one there was picture of them with their three children. I continue to be proud of them.

In the book of Philippians, the apostle Paul said, “Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on…”

Of course I remember the admonition that says, “Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.“ Because we let go of some painful memory of something that has happened in the past does not mean that we have not learned from it. We learn from it. We let go of it. We move on.

There are many things that, if I had them to do over, I would do differently. But that is not a choice I have. My choices are about what I will do in the future. I can keep on doing the same things or I can do things differently. According to Alcoholics Anonymous, doing the same thing with the expectation it will turn out differently is insanity. I can hold on to the memories of past failure, hurts and mistakes, or I can let go of them and move on.

Let go of your past failures and hurts. Your life will be lighter and brighter, and you will make the world a lighter and brighter place to live.

Dr. Eichelberger is a retired minister and lives on top of a mountain near Saluda and Tryon. For fifteen years he was in private practice as a marriage and family counselor. Before his retirement Dr. Eichelberger was a Fellow in the American Association of Pastoral Counselors and a Clinical Member of The American Association of Marriage and Family Counselors. If you have a concern you would like addressed, send your question to hughle2@aol.com.

Goodbye Francis

Early in the evening of Aug. 26, I received a call from someone at Mepkin Abbey. The person, who did not identify herself, told me that Father Francis Kline, Abbot of Mepkin Abbey, had died at 5:30 that afternoon. I was not surprised. I knew that the end for Francis was near.

The person also told me that I was invited to the funeral mass that would be held on Tuesday, Aug. 28.

Francis had fought a good fight against his cancer but it finally had taken him away. He was only 57 years old. He had done everything he could to keep going, but the leukemia that had ravaged his body was stronger than he was. He had spent nearly two years at Sloan Kettering Hospital in New York. When they told him that there was nothing more they could do, he told them he was ready to go home. He was ready to go home to Mepkin and spend his final days with the Brothers of Mepkin. He had no idea how much longer he would live, but until the very end he spent much of his time tending to the work of the Abbey. Near the end he was able to have visit with his parents and two brothers. While his parents were there he led them in a renewal of their wedding vows in the church.

I was able to visit Francis several times after he returned from Sloan Kettering. He told me that he was very much at peace with what was happening. I reminded him that he had promised to conduct my funeral, and this meant he would have to get better soon or I would have to die sooner. He told me that if he went first he would see me on the other side. He did go first and I am counting on seeing him on the other side.
The final service each day at Mepkin is Compline. In that service the Brothers pray for a restful night and a peaceful death. As those in attendance leave, they are sprinkled with water from the baptismal font. Usually the person in charge of the sprinkling was the Abbot, Francis.

Because of some health issues of my own, I was not able to attend the funeral mass.
When a monk is buried at Mekin, he is dressed in white vestments.

The body is placed in a simple wooden casket that is in the church during the funeral mass. Following the service the casket is carried to the grave. The body is removed from the casket and buried.

“God grant us a restful night and a peaceful death.”

A friend of mine once said, “It is hard to lose someone you love, but even harder to lose some who loves you. I loved Francis, and I believe he loved me. I will miss him. But my sense of loss and sadness is tempered by a sense of gratitude for the privilege of having known this wonderful man.

One of the many things I learned from Francis was the value of living a life that for a variety of reasons had become more and more marginalized.

I remember telling him one day that I felt I was living more and more on the margin of things. His response: “That’s wonderful!” He told me that living on the margin of life enables someone to see the world from a different perspective. The calling to be a monk is a calling to live a marginal life.

Many people are marginalized in our culture. Old people are marginalized. Poor people are marginalized. In many cases black people are marginalized. We marginalize people when we relate to them only in terms of their function and not in term of their humanity. Rod McKuien wrote a song about a blind veteran in which he asked the question; “Doesn’t anybody know my name?”

If you feel marginalized, don’t run from it. Embrace it. Receive it not as a problem, but as a gift. Receive it as something that allows you to see the world as all the marginalized people in the world see it.

When I was a pastor, people often talked to me about their desire to grow spiritually. They often were not very sure of what was involved in growing spiritually, but they seemed to think it was something they should want to do. Over time I developed a definition of “spiritual growth” that others and I found helpful.

“Spiritual growth happens when we pay attention to where God is at work in our lives and respond to that presence.”

Francis was my spiritual director. While I may be able to find someone else to help me pay attention to where God is at work in my life, I know I will never find another Francis. My wish for you is that you can find such a person to walk beside you in your journey. In that relationship you will certainly find a blessing, and you will more and more become a blessing to those around you.


Dr. Eichelberger is a retired minister and lives on top of a mountain near Saluda and Tryon. For fifteen years he was in private practice as a marriage and family counselor. Before his retirement Dr. Eichelberger was a Fellow in the American Association of Pastoral Counselors and a Clinical Member of The American Association of Marriage and Family Counselors. If you have a concern you would like addressed, send your question to hughle2@aol.com.

What do you do when you don’t know what to do?

Last night I lay in bed unable to sleep. I was thinking about all the awful things that seem to be going on in the world. The war and killing in the Middle East continues with no end in sight. Our government at home seems to be doing all it can to make the rich richer, and the poor seem to have no advocate in places of power in Washington. Much of what we are told by those who have been elected to lead the country is either misleading or dishonest. One begins to believe that nothing one does will change anything.

Our time can accurately be described in the words of Thomas Paine who in December of 1776 wrote, “ These are the times that try men’s souls.” Much of what I see going on in the world today is not unlike what the poet William Butler Yates described in his poem “The Second Coming.” Yates wrote, “things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, the blood dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere the ceremony of innocence is drowned; the best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity.” In the midst of times like this the temptation is to put your head in the sand, quit reading the paper or watching the news and believe that nothing you do is going to make any difference anyway.

Do you ever feel that way? I certainly do. The only problem with that conclusion is that it is not an acceptable conclusion for me and should not be acceptable to you. Remember the words of one man who said; “The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for enough good men (or women) to do nothing.”

So what do you do when you don’t know what to do? Is there anything that you or I can do that will make any difference? We may not be able to change the larger picture of how things are, but there are some things we can do that will make the world a better place for those around us and keep us from getting mired up in the slough of despond.

Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881), Scottish essayist and historian, instructed his readers to “Do the duty that lies nearest thee, which thou knowest to be a duty! The second will already have become clearer.”

In order to keep from being overwhelmed by the many legitimate needs we encounter in our journey I find it helpful to remember that those who have the most compelling claim on us are those who are connected to us by blood or covenant. This includes family members and those to whom we have made promises.

A child may need a word of encouragement. A spouse may need a word of love and appreciation.
I appreciate my readers, many of whom e-mail me their thoughts or concerns.

Here are three words that can help you to do things that make a difference.

The first word is “notice.” Noticing is not judging. It is simply acknowledging what appears to be going on the life of another person without making any judgment about it. I learned this years ago when I said to a woman who had gone through a divorce, “ I am sorry to hear about your divorce.”

She responded: “Sorry? I have been trying to get away from this abusive husband for years!”
A better thing to have said would have been, “ I notice that some changes have taken place in your life. How is that going for you?”

The second word is “listen.” It really make me “crazy” to be answering a question someone has asked me, and they are looking around the room for someone else to talk to. If you don’t want to listen to someone’s response to your question, don’t ask.

The third word is “wonder.” Wonder if a person needs anything. Wonder if there is anyway you can help. This allows the person to whom you are talking to tell you if there is something you can do or gives them room to simply say “No.”

You and I may not be able top do much about many of the big problems in the world, but if we notice and listen and wonder, what we do will make a difference.

Dr. Eichelberger is a retired minister and lives on top of a mountain near Saluda and Tryon. For fifteen years he was in private practice as a marriage and family counselor. Before his retirement Dr. Eichelberger was a Fellow in the American Association of Pastoral Counselors and a Clinical Member of The American Association of Marriage and Family Counselors. If you have a concern you would like addressed, send your question to hughle2@aol.com.

Do you want to be happy?

I don’t know anyone who would not answer the question “Do you want to be happy?” with anything but an enthusiastic “Yes!” Thomas Jefferson in the Declaration of Independence listed the pursuit of happiness as one of our unalienable rights. The only problem with this is that most people are not quite sure what happiness is and think it is as something you can own or possess like a new car or a new house. I cannot recall how many parents I have heard say: “I just want my children to be happy.” My own observation is that trying to be happy is one of the best ways not to be.

I agree with Edith Wharton who said: “If only we’d stop trying to be happy, we could have a pretty good time.”

In recent months there have been a great number of books written on ways to be happy. This represents a relatively new interest.

In the small southern town where I was raised I don’t recall a great deal of talk of or encouragement to be happy. We were much more influenced by the Puritan tradition that was essentially suspicious of happiness.

One old Puritan is reported to have said: “I have never committed a pleasure.” I was taught more implicitly than explicitly that anything that made you “happy” was probably wrong. In trying to decide what I wanted to do with my life I would rule out anything that I thought would make me happy. That may be why I eventually decided to enter the ministry. I certainly had no thought that such a profession would “make me happy.” Although there was much about the ministry that I enjoyed there were times when being in the ministry was like 20 miles of bad road. Now it seems that everyone thinks they have a right and should be happy. I don’t recall my parents ever telling me that they just wanted me to be happy.

I am not about to suggest that I know how to make you or anyone else happy, but there are things you and I can do that will probably provide us with a satisfactory life. It may be that living a “satisfactory life” is about as close being happy as anyone can get. If you are one of those people who think of themselves as not being happy here are some things you might do to get on the road to a satisfactory life.

A good way to start is by changing the focus of your life to other people and away from your self. It is not that you are not important, but remember that other people are important too. Many people don’t know that, and it is a result of how they have been treated throughout their lives.

An older friend of mine once told me that everyone is good at something and your job as a leader is to affirm what people do well. I had a man in my congregation at one time who was really good at telling us why something would not work. In meetings when something new was proposed, I would eventually turn to him and say: “Now, Jim, tell us why you think that will not work.” As a result, we made his negative thinking into something positive, and there were times when he was right.

Parents often worry about their children’s self esteem without realizing how much time and energy they spend trying to catch their children doing something wrong. That is often something people do, not only with their children, but also with other people. When is the last time that you told someone that you encountered in your everyday activities that you appreciated the good job they were doing and you appreciated it? The next time you are in the grocery store call the checker at the cash register by name (they have a name tag) and tell them you appreciate the good job they are doing. You will feel better and they will too.

At one time I kept a note on the mirror in my bathroom that said: “This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.”

There are people who wake up in the morning and begin each day by taking an inventory of their miseries. Before they get out of bed their garden of miseries is in full bloom. If you are one of those people, tomorrow would be a good day to stop doing that. Think instead about what you can do to make the world a lighter and brighter place. Go out today and try to catch someone doing something good and tell him or her about it. It is amazing how much better that will make you and the other person feel.

Try it. You’ll like it. And in the process you may end up feeling pretty happy.