What do you do when you don’t know what to do?

Last night I lay in bed unable to sleep. I was thinking about all the awful things that seem to be going on in the world. The war and killing in the Middle East continues with no end in sight. Our government at home seems to be doing all it can to make the rich richer, and the poor seem to have no advocate in places of power in Washington. Much of what we are told by those who have been elected to lead the country is either misleading or dishonest. One begins to believe that nothing one does will change anything.

Our time can accurately be described in the words of Thomas Paine who in December of 1776 wrote, “ These are the times that try men’s souls.” Much of what I see going on in the world today is not unlike what the poet William Butler Yates described in his poem “The Second Coming.” Yates wrote, “things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, the blood dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere the ceremony of innocence is drowned; the best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity.” In the midst of times like this the temptation is to put your head in the sand, quit reading the paper or watching the news and believe that nothing you do is going to make any difference anyway.

Do you ever feel that way? I certainly do. The only problem with that conclusion is that it is not an acceptable conclusion for me and should not be acceptable to you. Remember the words of one man who said; “The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for enough good men (or women) to do nothing.”

So what do you do when you don’t know what to do? Is there anything that you or I can do that will make any difference? We may not be able to change the larger picture of how things are, but there are some things we can do that will make the world a better place for those around us and keep us from getting mired up in the slough of despond.

Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881), Scottish essayist and historian, instructed his readers to “Do the duty that lies nearest thee, which thou knowest to be a duty! The second will already have become clearer.”

In order to keep from being overwhelmed by the many legitimate needs we encounter in our journey I find it helpful to remember that those who have the most compelling claim on us are those who are connected to us by blood or covenant. This includes family members and those to whom we have made promises.

A child may need a word of encouragement. A spouse may need a word of love and appreciation.
I appreciate my readers, many of whom e-mail me their thoughts or concerns.

Here are three words that can help you to do things that make a difference.

The first word is “notice.” Noticing is not judging. It is simply acknowledging what appears to be going on the life of another person without making any judgment about it. I learned this years ago when I said to a woman who had gone through a divorce, “ I am sorry to hear about your divorce.”

She responded: “Sorry? I have been trying to get away from this abusive husband for years!”
A better thing to have said would have been, “ I notice that some changes have taken place in your life. How is that going for you?”

The second word is “listen.” It really make me “crazy” to be answering a question someone has asked me, and they are looking around the room for someone else to talk to. If you don’t want to listen to someone’s response to your question, don’t ask.

The third word is “wonder.” Wonder if a person needs anything. Wonder if there is anyway you can help. This allows the person to whom you are talking to tell you if there is something you can do or gives them room to simply say “No.”

You and I may not be able top do much about many of the big problems in the world, but if we notice and listen and wonder, what we do will make a difference.

Dr. Eichelberger is a retired minister and lives on top of a mountain near Saluda and Tryon. For fifteen years he was in private practice as a marriage and family counselor. Before his retirement Dr. Eichelberger was a Fellow in the American Association of Pastoral Counselors and a Clinical Member of The American Association of Marriage and Family Counselors. If you have a concern you would like addressed, send your question to hughle2@aol.com.

Do you want to be happy?

I don’t know anyone who would not answer the question “Do you want to be happy?” with anything but an enthusiastic “Yes!” Thomas Jefferson in the Declaration of Independence listed the pursuit of happiness as one of our unalienable rights. The only problem with this is that most people are not quite sure what happiness is and think it is as something you can own or possess like a new car or a new house. I cannot recall how many parents I have heard say: “I just want my children to be happy.” My own observation is that trying to be happy is one of the best ways not to be.

I agree with Edith Wharton who said: “If only we’d stop trying to be happy, we could have a pretty good time.”

In recent months there have been a great number of books written on ways to be happy. This represents a relatively new interest.

In the small southern town where I was raised I don’t recall a great deal of talk of or encouragement to be happy. We were much more influenced by the Puritan tradition that was essentially suspicious of happiness.

One old Puritan is reported to have said: “I have never committed a pleasure.” I was taught more implicitly than explicitly that anything that made you “happy” was probably wrong. In trying to decide what I wanted to do with my life I would rule out anything that I thought would make me happy. That may be why I eventually decided to enter the ministry. I certainly had no thought that such a profession would “make me happy.” Although there was much about the ministry that I enjoyed there were times when being in the ministry was like 20 miles of bad road. Now it seems that everyone thinks they have a right and should be happy. I don’t recall my parents ever telling me that they just wanted me to be happy.

I am not about to suggest that I know how to make you or anyone else happy, but there are things you and I can do that will probably provide us with a satisfactory life. It may be that living a “satisfactory life” is about as close being happy as anyone can get. If you are one of those people who think of themselves as not being happy here are some things you might do to get on the road to a satisfactory life.

A good way to start is by changing the focus of your life to other people and away from your self. It is not that you are not important, but remember that other people are important too. Many people don’t know that, and it is a result of how they have been treated throughout their lives.

An older friend of mine once told me that everyone is good at something and your job as a leader is to affirm what people do well. I had a man in my congregation at one time who was really good at telling us why something would not work. In meetings when something new was proposed, I would eventually turn to him and say: “Now, Jim, tell us why you think that will not work.” As a result, we made his negative thinking into something positive, and there were times when he was right.

Parents often worry about their children’s self esteem without realizing how much time and energy they spend trying to catch their children doing something wrong. That is often something people do, not only with their children, but also with other people. When is the last time that you told someone that you encountered in your everyday activities that you appreciated the good job they were doing and you appreciated it? The next time you are in the grocery store call the checker at the cash register by name (they have a name tag) and tell them you appreciate the good job they are doing. You will feel better and they will too.

At one time I kept a note on the mirror in my bathroom that said: “This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.”

There are people who wake up in the morning and begin each day by taking an inventory of their miseries. Before they get out of bed their garden of miseries is in full bloom. If you are one of those people, tomorrow would be a good day to stop doing that. Think instead about what you can do to make the world a lighter and brighter place. Go out today and try to catch someone doing something good and tell him or her about it. It is amazing how much better that will make you and the other person feel.

Try it. You’ll like it. And in the process you may end up feeling pretty happy.